Turn Resentment Into Connection [VIDEO]
Film: Leib Kopman, Agency 36-8
The challenges in your relationship are your greatest opportunity for healing, growth, and deeper connection.
- Allison Villa
It Felt Like A Slap In The Face
I resented my husband every time he went on his weekly bike ride. The anger would bubble up in my body as he started to get his gear ready the night before. He took such care in all of the details: the water bottles with the electrolyte tabs, the Cliff bars, the extra tubes, the weather-appropriate-gear…it was all laid out by the door, thoughtfully placed with anticipation and excitement for his ride. His gear by the door felt like a personal slap in the face. Harsh, I know. My lens at the time, as an entrepreneur and full-time mother of two kids under three, was fragile and cracked. I couldn’t make sense of it all.
The Story I Told Myself
Why could he take such care in this ritual knowing that another morning alone with two small children would leave me (even more) depleted? I felt like he was abandoning our family and deliberately hurting me. It was as if his needs were more important than mine and more important than spending time together. Didn’t he know that I needed a break, too? That he was using up our precious weekend family time?
The Real Story
The truth is that he knew all of this. But above all else, he knew that if he didn’t take that time to clear his mind, to connect with him self, and to move his body, that he would feel resentful of us. That he wouldn’t enjoy his time with us.
Wait a second. Those were all the feelings that I WAS feeling. I was often resentful, and as a result, wasn’t always enjoying time with the family. I was quick to anger, my light had been dimmed, and the highlight of my day, was getting the kids to sleep, so that I could have a moment of solitude (forget couple-time - no energy left for that).
But, There’s No Time
It was obvious that I needed a break. My husband had offered to give me a day to myself more times than I can remember. He suggested that I visit a friend, or take a yoga class, or just take myself for a walk. But, I rarely took him up on the offer. Why, you ask? Because of a million things:
I know exactly how the baby likes to be put down for their nap.
I need to prep the meal exactly a certain way.
I don’t want to spend money on a yoga class (but I’ll spend money on my kids, no problem!).
It’s too hard to co-ordinate schedules with my friends.
I don’t even know what I like to do anymore.
It takes too much energy to plan something.
I just want to sleep.
I need to be productive with my time, or everything will fall apart.
Doing anything for myself feels selfish.
The list was endless.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Over time, my husband’s consistent self-care message hit home:
TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. IT WILL MAKE YOU, AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU, HAPPIER.
I mean, how could I fault him for doing something that made him feel good? Isn’t that what love looks like? Wanting to see your partner feeling joy and taking pleasure in life? The sad reality, is that my own thoughts and beliefs had gotten in my way for too long. It took years of witnessing his self-care every week, for me to understand the positive impact it was having on our whole family: he would come home with a spring in his step, a smile on his face, and a gratefulness in his eyes. The best part, is that he has always had a willingness to help me take time for myself. He was showing me love the whole time. It was ME, who had all of the reasons why I couldn’t take that time; why I couldn’t let myself RECEIVE.
The Value of Being Seen, Heard, & Understood By Your Partner
It’s common for parents to measure who has the harder life. The truth is that it’s hard for both of you, for different reasons. The important thing to remember is that you have a need to be seen by your partner for all that you do. Being seen, heard, and understood, is what makes you feel appreciated and valued. Whether it’s commuting to a job every day, running a business, being home full-time with the kids, or juggling a bit of both, there is no question that being a parent is filled with challenges. Of course you want to be recognized for all that you do - it’s a lot!
The Simple Shift To Stay Connected
How can you alleviate the pressure of it all? Make space for YOU. Put on your air mask first. And, when your partner puts on their air mask, give them a high five and ask them to help you with yours. Helping each other make time for self-care is the ultimate act of love. It’s the first step to staying connected as a couple after having kids.
Self-Care Comes First
If you think about it, it makes sense. Taking care of yourself, means that you get to be your best self with everyone in your life. Self-care is not an option for parents, it’s mandatory. Parents are super-heroes. You make room in your life to do the most thoughtful things for your kids, from cutting the crusts off every sandwich, taking them to music class or hockey practice, trimming little fingernails, preparing an array of healthy-food options, tip-toeing out of bedrooms without hitting that creaky spot on the floor, and everything in between. You do so much. You do it willingly. You do it with love. Every. Single. Day.
Conclusion
Your kids feel loved, cared for, and understood every day because of your consistent care.
Now, it’s time to turn that focus onto you.
1: Nurture yourself the way you nurture your children.
2: Ask for what you need from your partner.
3: Help each other make space for self-care.
WHEN YOU TAKE SPACE FOR YOURSELF, AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY, YOU’LL RETURN AS A BETTER VERSION OF YOU.
Start with you. Your kids will thank you.
Big Love,
Allison
Now, over to you: Have you ever resented your partner for taking time for themselves? What have you learned about yourself through your experience? How can you support each other in your self-care practice? What feels restorative and fun for you?
Allison Villa is a psychotherapist & founder of House and Hook. She specializes in keeping couples’ thriving throughout parenthood. As a wife and mother, she understands how raising a family affects the romantic relationship and the challenges that modern parents face. With Allison’s virtual therapy practice, retreat, online monthly membership program & course, this keepin-it-real-mama teaches busy couples to live with intention & to use simple time-efficient strategies to connect with each other.
